


Getting by

by Wonkyun



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, Derek is Not a Failwolf, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fainting, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Stiles Stilinski, Lonely Stiles Stilinski, M/M, Scott is a Bad Friend, Self-Esteem Issues, Stiles Has Issues, Stiles is Pushed Out of the Pack, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 16:11:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13574151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonkyun/pseuds/Wonkyun
Summary: The four times Stiles ignored the little things and the one time he couldn't."Hiding in my baggy jeans, no one knows my secret."4+1 fic (kinda)Warning : detailed eating disorder





	Getting by

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> Disordered eating   
> Suicidal thoughts and ideation   
> General heavy angst
> 
>  
> 
> Songs:  
> Skinny- Edith Backlund

1:appetite

Stiles doesn't know where it started, doesn't really know how it even started, was it due to his medication, maybe it was the crushing anxiety he's been feeling recently, stiles honestly didn't know. All stiles knew was that it was lunchtime on Wednesday, that he hadn't eaten since breakfast the day before and he couldn't bring himself to care, couldn't bring himself to raise his fork to his mouth and actually eat. Stiles' appetite seemed to be a million miles away recently , maybe it was hanging out with Scott and his pack, they hadn't been around recently either. Stiles shakes his head, no, no point getting bitter about that now, it wouldn't change anything and certainly wouldn't help with his current mental health. Stiles just wished that somebody would spend time with him, wished somebody would take notice of him, mostly though, stiles just wished somebody cared about him.

Stiles appetite didn't come back to him later that night when he sat down alone at the dinner table, and stared at the lasagne he had prepared just minutes beforehand, the thought of eating made him feel nauseous as he picked up the fork and raised it to his mouth. Stiles didn't want to eat it, really didn't feel in the mood for lasagne, or any food truthfully. So stiles didn't eat it, nobody was there to see if he ate or not, nobody who cared about him enough to make sure he was healthy, so Stiles wrapped it up all pretty in cling film and left it in the fridge for his father for when he came home from work, whenever that would be, stiles didn't know. He just went up to his bedroom and cranked his music as loud as it would go so he couldn't hear the growling and rumbling of his empty stomach. Stiles ignored it, just like he ignored all his problems, he'd deal with it when he had too.

As the weeks flew past, stiles' appetite was as non existent as Scott was. The only time stiles saw Scott in the last month, was when Stiles was in the bathrooms flushing his flask of soup down the toilet, and he overheard Issac and Scott talking about Derek coming back from some trip he'd been on for the past few months, Stiles didn't usually care much for gossip but he did always have a fascination with Derek Hale. Derek had always been interesting to stiles and he could remember the few times the two had ever crossed paths, could remember the way Derek had been cold and distant but he had that air of protectiveness that stiles found very comforting, not that stiles would ever get the chance to feel that again, those few times he had, was when Scott included stiles in pack business, now Scott didn't include stiles in any business. 

Stiles decides that he doesn't mind the stabbing pain of hunger so much when it seems to drown out the achy pain in his heart. Maybe losing his appetite wasn't the worst thing that could have happened. Maybe it was a good thing even. A blessing in disguise.

 

2: The belt holes

Stiles hadn't noticed it at first, never took much heed in getting dressed in the morning, it was all very routine for him and the less time he had to spend looking at himself or his body the better. Stiles really didn't think his self esteem could take more than 5 minutes of seeing himself in a mirror each day, which was sad but all too true. Every time stiles looks in the mirror he sees the same thing, sees somebody he's not, sees somebody who he doesn't deserve to look like, see his mother. Stiles sees his mother in his big brown eyes and high cheekbones, sees her in his dark moles that splatter across his face. Stiles doesn't think he deserves to look like his mother, doesn't think he deserves to even be related to her. So Stiles avoids mirrors, avoids looking at himself and sticks like glue to his routine which does not include mirror time.

Stiles is known to be a very routine person, everything he does has a rhyme, a rhythm, he lives his each and every day the same as the previous one . Stiles even puts on his clothes in the same order every day, his underwear first, than whatever graphic tee doesn't smell too bad , than a worn out flannel, an oversized hoodie and lastly his slim fit jeans and brown belt. Stiles did it all in the same monotonous order every day, so he didn't notice at first, didn't notice for months really. Stiles didn't realise that he had been tying his belt tighter and tighter and tighter, slowly going from the third hole on the belt to the sixth hole on the brown leather. This was a tad concerning to stiles but really, what did he expect, his lack of appetite was probably causing a bit of weight loss, something that wasn't noticeable to stiles before. Stiles shook off the concern, there was no point getting worried about something as small as a belt, and so stiles headed off to school for the day, just like he usually would.

After that particular realisation, stiles completely forgot about his belt, and the slowly tightening of it, which was fine, until, just like everything else in his life, it suddenly became a bigger problem without Stiles' consent. Stiles was forced to confront the situation, when, on a particularly crappy morning in October, stiles found that as he walked from class to class he kept having to pull his jeans up over his hips. Stiles growled in frustration, tired and fed up from his lack of sleep and his loneliness. He stopped in the middle of the now empty hallway, the bell had rung three minutes ago and stiles couldn't bring himself to care about being late, he could probably skip, nobody would even notice. 

Stiles angrily undid his worn out belt, pulled his jeans into place and yanked his belt back around his thin waist, quickly doing it to the tightest setting. It's only then, does stiles realise, with shock, what the problem was, the belt was on its tightest setting and it was still too big, the belt was the smallest in the shop and now it was too big for stiles, what was even happening. Stiles hadn't lost that much weight had he, he didn't think he looked like he had lost a huge amount of weight. Stiles stood in the hallway in shock, his jeans hanging loosely on his protruding hips, what was happening to him. Sure, he hadn't been eating much the past few months due to his lack of appetite but it wasn't serious, stiles was the one in control, the one making the decisions, it wasn't a problem. 

Stiles shook his head, it didn't matter, he'd buy new jeans and a new belt. Stiles shouldn't worry, he was probably just loosing some of the babyfat he still had at age sixteen, it was about time. Anyways Stiles liked being skinny, liked the feeling of being light and slight and able to slip through hoards of people in the hallways and go unnoticed because of his skinny frame. Stiles thought maybe he was a bit too skinny but there was no harm in that and nobody had noticed or said anything to him so it probably wasn't that bad. Plenty of people were too skinny and nearly too skinny, plenty of people who were successful and rich and good looking. If they could do it and look great, well maybe stiles could do it too and maybe then he'd be able to look at himself in the mirror.

 

Stiles was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn't notice Jackson standing at the end of the hall, mouth pulled down into a frown as he regarded the small boy. Jackson hadn't seen the boy in months and was left wondering what had happened to him and where the rest of him was, Jackson never paid much attention to Stiles but he knows that Stiles had changed in the months that Jackson was away. The Stiles Jackson knew was not that thin and sick looking. Jackson took a mental note to talk to Derek about this.

 

3: Layers

It's the first week of November and Stiles is shaking in his seat at school, hes practically vibrating off of his chair in the middle of class , because he is so , goddamn, cold. Why was the school suddenly so cold , it definitely hadn't been this cold last year, Stiles thinks bitterly, definitely wasnt near this cold a few weeks ago when they first entered the cold snap of weather. Stiles had prepared for the cold weather, that's the worst thing. That morning stiles had put on an extra t-shirt with his usual three layers of tops, so he couldn't understand why he was still so cold. It didn't make any sense. Stiles assumes that he was this cold before but he just never registered it, it doesn't make sense to think he's only feeling the cold now, that's not how anything works. He ignores his thoughts, in favour of listening to Coach Finstock drone on about safe sex and STDs. Stiles chuckles bitterly, at least he doesn't have to worry about that, nobody would ever touch him, much less have sex with him.

 

Of course Stiles doesn't take much heed of the cold, he was busy with friends and lacrosse this time last year, he reasons, he probably didn't take any notice of how much he wore or how cold he was, too occupied with socialising and having fun. Stiles didn't have any of that now, all stiles had was cold weather and an empty lonely heart. Stiles still doesn't take much heed as November slowly rolls by and stiles slowly starts wearing more and more and more, it's not really an issue, it's winter, everybody's cold. Well until he realises he's wrong.

Stiles is in the shopping centre a town over, a place he hates with a burning passion, but he'd been putting off the visit for a month, so since the start of November. Stiles desperately needed new jeans, all of his old jeans were now past the stage of fitting with a belt, all off them too baggy around his hips and his thighs and his entire legs. Stiles couldn't bear clothes shopping on a normal day, never mind on a day when it was probably near freezing outside. The six layers stiles was wearing and the indoor heating of the shop did little to erase the harsh shivers that wracked his tired body as he riffled through the racks of jeans, picking up a few pairs in different sizes, unsure of what his true size was now, after he'd lost some weight. 

Stiles is slowly making his way toward the changing rooms to try the jeans on, when he accidentally bumps into a broad middle aged man who is also heading toward the changing rooms. Stiles feels his whole body sway and his weak arms threaten to drop the few pairs of jeans in his arms as he collides with the chest of the man and stiles curses his clumsiness as he tries to regain his balance. The man places two firm hands on stiles' upper forearms to steady the boy, however, a surprised look crosses the man's face when his hands sink through the huge amount of layers Stiles is wearing and clasp around his very slender upper arms, the man looks shocked as he regards the amount of layers Stiles is wearing, before he shakes his head and smiles awkwardly.

Of course, the man sincerely apologises and heads on his merry way, a slight look of concern on his face as he glances back toward Stiles. Stiles doesn't see the look, he is busy standing stock still as he stares around the shop, eyes darting from one person to the next and it's like he's broken out of a hazy fog, as he realises that everybody in the shop is only wearing jumpers and coats and certainly not six layers like stiles is. Stiles realises with a start that maybe something is wrong.

4: Dizziness

Stiles is in the school toilets when it happens the first time, hes sitting on the cold tiled floor of the usually abandoned room, listening to his music during lunch period. Stiles can't stand to sit in the packed cafeteria anymore, he has nobody to sit with and he doesn't eat lunch anymore so there's really no point sitting there being all weird and lonerish. Stiles also hates the noise of the cafeteria, the sound of incessant chatter and laughter and friendship slowly driving stiles to a migraine. Stiles doesn't know when he became so anti-social and bitter but he thinks it happened sometime after he was ditched by everyone he considered a friend. 

Stiles distantly hears the bell ring for next period and he curses silently, quickly getting up from the floor and heading toward the door. Before stiles can get anywhere near the door though, his head swims violently and he feels his vision blur as he reaches out his hand to blindly grab onto the sink, the dizziness making his knees buckle and his legs wobble. Stiles whines lowly in his throat and his head pounds miserably as stiles feebly tries to sort himself out and dispell the horrible feelings in his body. 

That isn't the last of the dizziness, over the next few weeks stiles becomes very familiar with the swimming vision and the fogged brain and the wobbly legs. Stiles finds that he spends a lot of time in that confused dizziness and he begins to get used to it . Stiles knows that it's nothing to get all worried about , everyone gets dizzy when they stand up too quickly or when they're growing, Stiles is the same, he's a growing teenage boy so of course he's going to get blood rush and dizziness. So Stiles pushes that concerned voice at the back of his head away, smothers his own common sense in his insecurities, buries his doubt beneath so much bullshit that he can't recognise it anymore.

One day when Stiles is dropping lunch into his dad in the station, because his dad is so busy these days that he can't see his own son deteriorating infront of him , Stiles sees somebody he is not expecting to see at all, certainly not at the station anyways. There, sitting behind one of the previously empty deputy's desks is, Derek Hale. Stiles suddenly feels very insecure about his layers and his pale, tired, gaunt face, as he quickly walks past the desk, head down, eyes trained on the floor as he takes long strides towards his father's office. Stiles prays that Derek doesn't notice him or care enough to acknowledge him, although all Stiles really wants is for Derek to scoop him up and bathe him in that air of comfort he carries. All Stiles wants is for somebody to talk to him, for somebody to care.

Stiles continues on his way to his dad's office, avoiding the eyes of the various deputies around the station and more importantly, pretending not to notice the certain werewolf who was now glaring red hot holes into the middle of his back. The familiar and almost constant throb of Stiles' head intensifies when he slips on the door stop and stumbles into his dad's office. Raising a quick, thin hand to rub the tension from his temples , Stiles quickly shakes off the dizziness and greets his dad with a smile so fake it phychically hurts. 

Stiles makes it home safely that evening, clambers up the steep flight of stairs to his bedroom with a migraine pounding behind his eyes and legs shaking so much he's surprised he made it home alive. Stiles heads straight for the wardrobe in the corner of his tidy room, slowly stripping his consricting clothes off as he goes. Stiles feels so sick, sicker than he thinks he's ever felt. He feels cold and shaky and hot all at once, his skin clammy and uncomfortable as he tries to piece his thoughts together properly. Stiles head is spinning and his stomach is rumbling and he thinks he might be throwing up if there was anything in his system to throw up other than the banana he had for breakfast six hours ago.

Stiles stands unsteady by the wardrobe with his hand on his head, vision blurring as he pulls on a pair of baggy sweatpants and a huge hoodie that stiles thinks used to belong to Scott. God, Stiles wishes more than anything that Scott were here right now to help him, wishes that somebody, anybody was here right now, because stiles feels like he might be dying, feels like he might have been killing himself all along and the last thing Stiles wants is to die alone on his bedroom floor because he didn't realise how stupid he was being.

Stiles knees buckle involuntarily and he finds himself sinking to the cold wooden floors, tears rolling down his tired bruised eyes as he tries desperately to pull himself together, tries desperately to save himself from something he didn't even realise was killing him. Stiles was so stupid, why did he let it get this far, how did he allow his stupid self to keep making these stupid decisions, because in this moment Stiles knows he's dying, knows he's not ok and he also knows there's nobody to blame but himself, stiles is the one to blame. 

He ignored and ignored every single little problem, not realising that they were part of a much much bigger problem and now look at him, about to pass out on his bedroom floor, probably never to wake up again, because he let his problems get out of hand and did nothing to stop them and now he's going to pay the price. Stiles didn't know if on a subconscious level he knew all along that he was slowly killing himself, doesn't know why it took so long for him to realise that he didn't care about his own health or his own life, all stiles knows is that he's scared and alone and he suddenly really doesn't want to die. 

5: Derek 

Stiles awakes in Beacon Hills general hospital, the cold sterile walls and the spotless floors are both the worst things stiles has ever seen and the best he's ever seen. Stiles can't remember how he got here, cant remember who brought him in, although it was more than likely his dad. Stiles can just see it now, his dad walking up the stairs to see where Stiles was because when he came home from work there was no dinner ready for him on the table. Stiles chuckles bitterly at the thought, the only time people take notice of him is when they want something.

Stiles does have to admit that he is sort of grateful and relieved to have woken up in the hospital instead of on his cold floor alone, or worse, never have woken up at all. Stiles tries to collect his thoughts and piece together what he remembers, the last thing he can recall is collapsing on the floor in his bedroom after he came home from the station, Stiles tries not to panic when he thinks about how long it probably took his dad to find his unconscious body. How long had stiles been unconscious on his own bedroom floor slowly dying. It had to have been hours. 

Stiles stays in the hospital for the next week, diagnosed with malnutrition and a bunch of vitamin deficiencies. Stiles spends his time slowly recollecting the past few months, eating dry toast and porridge and pretending that it doesn't make him want to die. Stiles smiles weakly at the doctor when he asks if stiles is feeling better, lies through his teeth when they ask why he hasn't been eating and desperately tries to explain to everyone that he didn't do it on purpose, he didn't do it to be skinny, he tells them , he can't remember how it started or why it started or when it got so bad but he promises he will fix it. The sheriff doesn't believe him, he sits beside Stiles' hospital bed everyday, clutching his thin hand and cries and cries about all the mistakes he's made and promises over and over again that he will make it right, he will help Stiles and he will be there for him. Stiles just sobs into his free hand and tries not to think of all the damage he's caused, all the pain he's left in his destructive wake. 

Derek visits stiles on the seventh day, he stands in the doorway for far too long, just staring at stiles, staring through stiles really, as if this whole situation was just a particularly horrible hallucination. Derek sits on that stupid plastic chair beside his bed, holds Stiles' hand in his ,much larger, much warmer one and looks at him as though he doesn't recognize who stiles is anymore. Stiles just sobs, because he knows how Derek feels because stiles can't even recognize himself in the mirror anymore. Derek tells stiles that he was the one who found him, found him unconscious after he had gone to check on him when he left the station smelling like decay, Stiles finds that hilariously fitting because he certainly felt like he was slowly dying.

Derek and the sheriff get him help in the form of an expensive rehab centre that stiles can't even pronounce the name of. Stiles doesn't like it very much at first, he spends the first week crying himself to sleep and trying to convince his traitorous mind that it would be worth it in the end, trying to convince his brain that this is what it needed. His dad visits whenever he's allowed and stiles and he finally mend their strained relationship, finally start to fix all the problems between them as stiles chokes out his feelings in pained sobs and hiccups, tell his dad how he's been feeling and how hard it is. His dad understands and through his own apologies and guilt, he promises Stiles that he will never be alone, promises he will never have to suffer in silence as long as the sheriff is alive. 

Derek visits Stiles all the time, even when he's not supposed to. Derek always manages to sneak in to see him and he always brings something for stiles, whether it be a book or a pair of socks, anything to makes Stiles feel more at home in his little empty room. Derek is confused and upset at first, wants the answers to a hundred questions all at once, wants to know how everything had gotten so bad in the months he was gone, wants to know why everything had gotten so bad in the first place. Stiles doesn't have the answers to most of his questions so he just weakly tries to explain what he has worked his head around. Stiles first admits to Derek that he doesn't even feel like he was properly living the past few months, tells Derek it feels like he was sleepwalking the whole time. Derek wipes away his tears with a comforting hand and tells stiles that maybe, he wasn't living these last few months, he was just getting by and that's not the same thing.

Stiles thinks Derek's right about there being a difference between living and getting by, the last few months are the proof to that theory. Stiles knows that life isnt magical and neither is love, stiles knows that he won't be better in a week or a month or maybe even a year. All stiles knows is that he has his dad and he has Derek and as long as they are with him and he is not alone, than he is getting better and he is living.

Fin.


End file.
